the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
