i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
