did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
