My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
