I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You dont lie about slip and slides
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
