also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
