'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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