I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
