So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
