I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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