I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
