can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
