They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
