The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
