Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
