i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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