Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You need a sexual gate keeper
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
