why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
