She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
