Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
