didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
