It's Friday. Sex?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
