If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
