Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
