Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
