Where is the hickey?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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