it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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