community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
