he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
