my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
