It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
