I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
