dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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