I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
