I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
