my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
