my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
