My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
