Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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