Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
