tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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