Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm too high and old for this...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
