I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
