tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
