Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
