did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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