If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
