your room smells of hookers.
And success
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I lost the right to judge tonight
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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