why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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