I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
